There are such things as boundaries. And there are such things as being brave enough to risk crossing them, despite what the consequences are. We’ve spoken of this in prior entries and we won’t belabor the point now, suffice to say that the true spirit of exploration does not settle for testing the boundaries of what’s known, but rather pushing itself ceaselessly towards the edge of the boundary of the UNKNOWN. Stretching the limits of what could even be considered limits to begin with.
And so we end up with tit milk. In short – the administrators and various associates behind this process-based project that implies motion through space and structure in time have themselves been growing older, as is inevitable, and as such have started to procreate and do the natural things that that act implies, and over the course of this project the idea of a couple of dear friends of this writer (who shall remain nameless from now into perpetuity, so please don’t even bother asking) had was to document the experience of drinking real actual human milk from a human. And so we did. Or rather our nameless, faceless, homeless, soulless tasting engineer did, for your edification, as is his duty. This is what he was built for. So watch him do it.
STEP ONE: you pump the milk. What, you didn’t think we were actually going to consume it straight from the tap, did you? You perverts. There are limits to what even this laboratory is willing to undertake. Also, please pause to recognize how uncomfortable and disturbing the sound of this freaking pump running is. We strongly advise against setting up this short video clip to run on an endless loop until you pass out, spontaneously ejaculate, or urinate on yourself, or some combination of all three. We advise against that.
So these are the liquid fruits of the solid labor put in by our dear friends. It doesn’t look like much, to be fair, but DID YOU KNOW:
• Unpasteurized raw human milk SEPARATES shortly after expression? When we received our sample it was separated more or less into cream and liquid. Very much like a former taste subject whose vile name we will never speak again.
• Tit milk spoils amazingly fast? Like, even after maybe two or three days in the fridge, it’s no longer suitable for human consumption? So for a change this taste test was performed on a DEADLINE – excitement!
DID YOU KNOW that it smells very strongly of cardboard? Did you know that it bears a remarkable similarity to raw cow’s milk? Do you know what that says about our similarity to beasts of the field? No I mean seriously, I’m asking
Obviously there was only one appropriate receptacle from which to consume what we suppose can only be described as literally “the milk of human kindness.” And of course it’s a rebel yell shot glass. Long live the south. Although speaking for the rest of the country I can say that we’ll all be just fine if you never rise again. It’s all good. Really. Relax
WE HAVE BECOME SIDE TRACKED. Here are the basics. The smell is very strong, and dense, but somehow simultaneously mild and overwhelming and the same time. Like, flat, but in your face all at once. When you buy cow’s milk from the store (and we’ve discovered in recent years that people’s opinion on milk varies to a wildly disconcerting degree – we personally love it and have it with every meal) the pasteurization process imbues it with a certain sweetness that is not actually naturally occurring in milk from most animals. This is essential to its preservation and availability in stores as an object of sustenance, so we really can’t object, but it does render what is essentially the water of life (whiskey notwithstanding) somewhat adulterated.
If you can sense a mild degree of trepidation in the tone of the transcription of the relation of the thoughts of the tasting engineer on this particular subject, then you’re remarkably perceptive as an audience member and deserve both congratulations and also condolences. Here’s why:
1. The thought of consuming fluids that were produced by another human is a daunting thing. There’s a degree of intimacy that’s inherent in the process that we’re leapfrogging here for the sake of science and bravery and exploration, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. It’s a testament to the friends of this project that all involved were able to put that aside for the benefit of analysis and cruxability (okay I just made that word up, sorry) and progress and advancement and whatever such.
2. If you stop to think about it, we (almost all of us anyway) grew up on this shit. It’s the most basic functional thing that mammals do, after procreation: nursing. The process of producing and consuming breast milk is one of the most central things that has ensured our survival as a species. BUT
3. All of that happened a long time ago in most of our lives. (This is assuming there aren’t any 2 year olds reading this blog. If there are, what’s up preternaturally intelligent and capable kids! Have fun ruling the world some day. Just don’t ever read a poem called “Ozymandias.” It’s a real bummer) We’ve all long since forgotten what the actual taste of breast milk is like. Which is perhaps why this particular entry might draw some attention. Because who doesn’t want to know? Who doesn’t want to get back to the cradle? BUT
4(last point, I promise). Who isn’t a little scared by that idea?
So here’s what it’s like to be overwhelmed by the taste of something. It wasn’t NOT sweet, but it wasn’t sweet, it wasn’t necessarily salty or overpowering in the way raw cow’s milk is, it was just… not what you’d expect. A LOT of not what you’d expect. Concurrent with the aroma, the flavor was mild but somehow massive at the same time. Flat like, well, cardboard is the thing I keep coming up with, but the phrase “liquid distilled overwhelming flat wet cardboard” is just stupidness in its pure essence so I won’t say that, let’s just say that it has a complex mixture of flavors and leave it at that.
Actually, no. I shouldn’t say that. It tasted… honest. Decent. Like the person who produced it had a decent diet and ate okay things. Much like the colloquial aphorisms about certain types of food influencing the types of fluids that the people who consume them produce (i.e. asparagus and such), we can now verify with some certainty that that assertion holds true, at least in the regard of this one limited situation.
Ok. So there’s that. If that’s all there was to this experiment it probably wouldn’t be very interesting. So what, you drank breast milk. Almost all of us have, and any dude who can knock a lady up has a decent shot at getting another taste if he’s polite enough about it. But sometimes you take things to another level. Sometimes a suggestion from a close and beloved person transforms an ordinary experiment into a deed of legend. Sometimes you climb upon the back of a dragon and ride it to glory.
For the benefit of any non-drinkers in the audience (are there really any people who read this and don’t consume alcohol? If so, I find you fascinating) this is what’s known in the parlance of our times as a “Caucasian” or a “White Russian” if you’re not into the whole brevity thing. It is THE drink of choice for gentlemen of leisure and distinction, bowlers and golfers alike, Chinamen and rug pee-ers, urban achievers and bums (who lost btw) the world over, it is the one and only thing you can do with whatever amount of breast milk didn’t fit into the original tasting vessel. Normally prepared with vodka, kahlua, and cream or half and/or half or milk or some equivalent thereof, we have stepped out into true strangeness by substituting the latter ingredient for fluids that came out of a human. What you have here is a breast milk white russian. Also fuck the Eagles
YES YES YES SHUT UP WITH THE MOVIE REFERENCES HOW DOES IT TASTE ALREADY
Delicious. Better than a normal white russian, hands down. The problem, you see, with most cocktails is that they’re usually sickeningly sweet, much to their detriment. There’s a small but growing contingent of mixologists who know how to prepare a good savory cocktail (because not everything is supposed to taste like fucking candy) but the wave has still not hit full crest, and if there are any aspiring drink makers out there I would strongly suggest that you put some sort of savory white russian in your arsenal, perhaps using some raw cow’s milk (not that that’s legal or anything, so I technically can’t endorse it, but I also can’t endorse any of the things that I’ve ever written about in this space, so what else is new) or breast milk if you find a game subject because take it from us, the kahlua provides more than enough sweetness to balance the drink, and the raw robust flavor of the milk gives the beverage in question a body that it’s usually sorely lacking.
So. What’s the final verdict. On its own, it’s very good, but more savory than sweet. Very creamy and robust. As an ingredient in things? Oh my god it’s amazing. Cocktails, cream sauces, hell, put it on your corn flakes if you’re really feeling brave. Here’s the thing, though:
Get over it. The strangeness inherent in this experiment is only a reflection of the provinciality of its viewers. We drank our friend’s breast milk and it actually tasted very good. If this ongoing experimental concern exists to prove any facet of the truth, it’s this – that whatever bizarre, seemingly strange or inscrutable experiences you think exist out there in some sort of weird parallel universe to your own, they really don’t. They’re here, and accessible to you in a drastically easier fashion than you think. Make friends with the right people and they will bring up the idea of drinking something they produce. Go to the right grocery store and you can buy a fruit that tastes like death incarnate. Find the right restaurant and they might just serve you some sea cucumber (soon to come). People. Life is short. Do you really want to someday be some withered old fuck whose best culinary memories revolve around varying qualities of beef? (Nothing against beef.) Because we certainly don’t.
Special thanks to Courtney and Standrew for backup dancing, laughs, and unnecessary drink coaching from the peanut gallery. Until next time…
STOP SMELLING IT BEFORE YOU EAT IT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD