#14: Champagne Delight Goose Pate and Malta Guinness (?)

Hello and welcome once again to the current operation of the Oh Dear God Why Laboratories Tasting And Food Blogging Thing Facility Family Time (that’s the short name). For this particular venture, we’ve chosen two rather confusing substances from the wonderful Mediterranean Market down on Park Avenue

The first of which is the wonderfully titled “Champagne Delight Goose Pate With Port Wine” which sounds like the sexiest thing under the sun, but looks rather unglamorous. A quick perusal of the ingredients list on the side shows that it contains Goose as the first ingredient (thank god…) followed by Goose Broth (which we suppose is a thing), along with a mixture of dehydrated spices and vegetables and such, which makes one think this is more or less going to be like a second-rate foie gras knockoff. Wait, what’s this at the bottom?

“CONTINENT: BLÉ”

OH SHIT this has Blé in it? Not just Blé but CONTINENT Blé? This is a serious problem. As far as we know Blé has been banned in several countries throughout Europe and Central Asia, and is currently under investigation for its inclusion in food supplies delivered to developing nations, partly because of recent reports that it is highly carcinogenic, not to mention destructive to the environment in which it’s cultivated, so much so that its development and harvesting has been almost unilaterally banned from island nations for fear of total destruction of their local ecosystems, which is why you can’t find ISLAND Blé any more, and are forced to settle for the more pathologically sinister, ecologically destructive, chemically frightening strain of CONTINENT Blé that this can apparently contains.

Oh wait we read that wrong, it actually says “Contient: Blé” which means “Contains Wheat” in French. Forgive us. We were looking at the wrong side of the can.

We would mince (further) words about the preparation of this ground avian substance, but if there has been a forward progression of learning throughout the course of this scientific endeavor (that assertion remains very much open to question, btw) then it has been towards the notion that you should probably not dress whatever experimental substances are in question up too much and probably just sort of shovel them into your face. So without further ado let us hand things over to the tasting engineer.

The smell and visual presence is again much like “BEEF“, very much not unlike some type of high end dog food, which is presumably why our dog wandered over and suddenly got so interested as soon as we opened the can. It’s somewhere between Bumblebee Tuna and Braunschweiger, in the smell and consistency scheme of things. But what does it taste like, you ask?

IT TASTES JUST LIKE IT SMELLS!

Which is not bad at all. Definitely somewhere in the foie gras/bumblebee/braunschweiger galaxy, but perhaps with a slighter flavor that dissipates somewhat faster than any of them (because let’s be honest, eating most ground-organ-based substances is a bitch. a lengthy, pleasurable bitch, but a bitch nonetheless.) and if we were to stumble into a particularly high end cocktail party, we would hope that something like this would be served. Our tasting engineer is requesting another pass, this time perhaps on some crackers with a slightly less violent swig of wine.

That was actually rather good. No lie. Champagne Delight Goose in a Can, you receive a Thumbs (and Pinkies) Up Rating from the good people here at Oh Dear God Why Laboratories! Huzzah and thank you! Moving on

Our next selection was made not for novelty’s sake, or even the bright, attractive label. Because we here at Oh Dear God Why Laboratories have had run ins with both Malta and attractive labels before, and neither one of them produced volcanically interesting results. Our limited research (the dire overlords at our tasting facility provide little in the way of consistent internet access to check our information) only revealed a vague association between the wikipedia pages for Malta in general and Guinness in general and all that really told us is that the beverage in question is probably produced in Nigeria or Kenya or some such shit. Which doesn’t amount to much. So, as is standard practice whenever we aren’t sure of the quality of the substance being tested around the Oh Dear God Why Laboratories and Experimental Testing Space and Sometimes We Play Yahtzee, we are going to have our Tasting Engineer chug the entire contents of the bottle and see if anything interesting or noteworthy happens. Here you have it.

Okay, imagine getting facefucked by Aunt Jemima. Imagine an IHOP motorboating your taste buds. This is just a pile of thick sugary nonsense. “Who drinks this” and “why” are utterly foreign concepts to us here at the ODGWL, but we can at least now verify that it exists, and as of this writing, the tasting engineer has not expired from its ingestion. Any further research will have to be conducted at the user’s own discretion, and risk. And there you have it for this entry from the Oh Dear God Why Laboratories. We’re not sure what the next entry will be, but we hope you keep your eyes peeled along with us. Until then…

wait…

we’re getting some static on the line. Unidentified interference. Scanning the signal… processing… relaying relevant data to functioning outlets… formatting…

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT

abort abort abort abort abort

O.D.G.W.L.

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to #14: Champagne Delight Goose Pate and Malta Guinness (?)

  1. holy shit. that is the most vile thing I have ever seen on the internets. thank you.

  2. Bought a can of Champagne Delight Goose Pâté with Port wine a few days ago at World Market, and I opened it today. It has a nose of spice with a bit of braunschweiger in there, and the taste is in between a high end dog food like you mentioned, and a chicken flavoured baby food (I suppose this could pass as a baby food for the rich, but idk). I’d rate it 7/10 just because it manages to be palatable when spread thin on a Breton cracker and is amazing when eaten with Bella de Cerignola olives from Aldi.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s